The Onion and other satire w/ layers

In response to ongoing concerns regarding the safety of its female passengers, rideshare giant Uber reportedly introduced a new feature Wednesday that allows women to request a nonthreatening eunuch driver. “With UberCastrated, female riders can feel more at ease on their way to bars and spin classes knowing their driver doesn’t have testicles,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, adding that thousands of harmless eunuchs had already signed up to drive for the service. “We listen to women, and we know what they want—hairless, sexless drivers medically incapable of feeling any carnal desire whatsoever. [...]

A local girl has left her Uber disappointed, after her Pakistani driver wasn’t speaking soothingly in Urdu to his friend back home over the phone.

Popular rideshare app Uber announced a new feature that would match intoxicated riders with intoxicated drivers, confirmed sources who were already five beers deep.